Been riding a bit too high for a little while. Starting to feel like I *should* crash, like that makes things more real.
Got too much to lose for that though. Just going to have to battle through it.
Rewrote this a couple times, and realized what the main point of this one was.
People aren't usually the solution. Don't go looking for someone to solve your problems. But it's worth solving your problems to have someone.
And it lasts a hell of a lot longer than you'd think.
Tue, Jan. 27th, 2009, 10:40 pm
"I’m afraid of relapsing.
But no one is here to keep me strong."
A comment I stumbled across, and I couldn't help but think. I've never been that sort of person, the one that needed to rely on someone else. And yet-
And yet in so many ways you support me, love me... and keep me strong.
Thank you, I love you 'bias.
Being able to help someone move away from an abusive situation has really, let me put a lot of things in their place. She was upset because he was a good person when he didn't drink, and someone very wise responded with the fact that 'If he was a good person, and he *knew* that, he wouldn't drink.'
I may have a great deal of guilt to work through, but the fact that I *stopped* when I did something truely horrific, and considered that reason enough to try and stop my habits... may mean I'm willing to start the climb in a different sort of way.
Related to that realization, I started to read Winning the War Within, and found that some things haven't changed. Any of the books dealing with religion and struggling with problems are geared towards people that have already committed their lives to that belief.
I'd like to discuss this (again) with someone.
Mostly though, it seems like I've got a great deal to talk to Michael about. I really need to stop realizing these things the day *after* my appointments.
Tobias may be just as/more qualified than Michael, but we're in a committed relationship. You don't mix the two of them, and my relationship is very much seperate, thank you.
I love you more each day that we're together, and celebrating another year that you've been on this earth is almost as wonderful as you are.
You're so amazing, it takes my breath away on a regular basis, even now.
Happy Birthday Tobias.
I picked the book back up again. I had gotten frustrated with it because I felt like so many of the assumptions that it was making about the reader (good ones, but in this case it was making them about me, were untrue)
I'm not sure where I should be going with recovery from here, but here's a quote that underlines what it feels like sets me apart from what the books are aiming at.
"If you cease doing something harmful ina condition of guilt 'it is despite the guilt, not because of it'" -Ron Smothermon.
I completely disagree. It was the guilt and shame and disgust with myself that had me cleaning up my act in the first place, and fighting to keep it clean. The book talks about an internal 'manager'. I have an internal jailer. That "me" doesn't get another shot at life.
I don't want guilt, and feeling like I have to constantly guard against drugs to define my life, but the rest of me isn't willing to take the chance.
Why would I put everyone around me at risk like that? Especially the one that knows my past, and cares anyway. It just doesn't seem worth it.
Mon, Mar. 17th, 2008, 10:40 pm
I was reading that book, the Tao book, and it made be realize... that I'm not sure if I'm comfortable looking further into myself, honestly. I feel like I'm in a good place in my life and I don't want to open something up that might start that crumbling again.
During one of the 'exercises' you're supposed to just let thoughts come to you. Well, one of the first ones was questioning/stating that I hadn't forgiven myself for Isaac, and trying to pick apart why I hadn't. I'm not sure that's something that I feel like I'm qualified to handle.
I've already proven I can't handle myself in the past. Two steps forward, three steps back? No thanks, I'd rather stay where I am right now, stable and happy.
Been a while since I wrote here. Life just keeps me moving too fast to think about putting it down I guess. -grins- It's a good thing though, moving fast in a good way.
Busy soo... where to start.
New Years came and went, and it wasn't as bad as it's been in the past. Got a nasty bug a couple weeks later though, high fever, raving maniac.. all that good stuff.
Never realized how much being fever-sick feels like coming down off of a high. Half wanted a fix, thought I *needed* one... just grateful for good friends, and better loves.
So, back again in good form, eating oranges in the hopes it won't happen again. The doctor wants to pull me on pills to help out my system.. not sure how I feel about that. There are always side effects and... damn, I really don't want more chemicals in my body.
But I'm feeling good at least, grateful for everything, and everyone I have. Grateful to still be clean.. and for another year with the people I care about, and the one I love the most.
So I started to write this a couple times, before I realized that this was an excuse to say what I always want to tell you.
I love you.
I'm glad that it's another year for you, and seeming like a better year. I'm glad it's another year that you've spent so much of with me as well, but that part is purely the selfish part.
Happy Birthday, Lover.
Thu, May. 31st, 2007, 02:08 am
Been going through some rough patches recently, but I've even managed to avoid smoking again. Regrets are difficult things... but I like to hope I'm making progress.
Warm welcome, and being able to hold someone you love at night has helped a great deal.